Importance of being on the same side

27.9.2012

Our friend couple, Noora and Juho, got married in August. If you`re in a relationship yourself and you are in a wedding, it`s common that at some point you`ll find yourself thinking about your own relationship with your loved one and the concept of marriage  in general.

During our friends`wedding day I noticed that I was thinking about the importance of being on the same side with your spouse.

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Take care of your wellbeing, understand, compromise, forgive, let it go and laugh together

Couple of weeks ago in my post I told you about our family`s challenging month. Challenges that we faced during that month were not our first ones and are not going to be the last ones. In front of the common challenges we noticed with my husband to work as “a team”. We noticed that being on the same side helped us to overcome the challenges as a family, as a couple and as individuals. Being a team was at that time obvious and easy. It`s also easy to be on the same side with your spouse when everything is fine and balanced in life.

Being on the same side gets harder, when you struggle with your own problems, you`re tired or your spouse doesn`t agree with you. Having and raising children is one big thing where you two can easily find yourself from opposite teams.

Me and my husband have still a long way to learn to avoid confrontations between two of us. However on one thing we agree; we want to learn to be more on the same side. The reason is simple. If we would’t there is always a chance that too many and too big confrontations will lead to a divorce in the end. And we don`t want that because there are just too many good reasons for us to be together.

So what are the things I`ve noticed important to decrease the amount of confrontations? My list includes six rules:

  1. Take care of your own wellbeing. When you feel good with yourself, life is just easier – also with your spouse.
  2. Try to genuinely understand. Often people say to each other that they understand without really meaning it. If you genuinely try to understand the other person`s point of view, you may be surprised how you really are able to understand – Then finding a suitable solution for both of you is easier.
  3. Compromise. Often the suitable solution for both can be found from the middle so compromises are need to be made. Stubbornness is sometimes good but sometimes just stupid and pointless.
  4. Forgive for real. Saying “I`m sorry” is easy but really meaning it is not. Learn to forgive for real because otherwise things that you really haven`t forgive start to cause problems and new confrontations.
  5. Let it go. Sometimes the right answer is just to keep your mouth shut, do what your spouse wants you to do or do it in a way he/she wants you to do it. You don`t always have to say the last word, or you don`t always have to say your opinion at all. Selflessness – remember that.
  6. Laugh and have fun together. Life can`t be just everyday routine and serious conversations. Spending time together, laughing together and having fun make miracles for every relationship. All the rules mentioned above are easier to learn and follow when you have -as a counterweight to all the seriousness of life- relaxed and fun experiences with your spouse. So don`t forget the power of humor!

Sounds simple and maybe some of them are. The longer you`ve been married the easier it gets to follow these rules. At least some of the rules – hopefully. Me and my husband are two quite stubborn persons with strong opinions so for us learning these rules will take a while.  However every time I`m able to live according to these rules I notice my relationship with my loved one becoming a little bit stronger. I`m feeling good, my husband is feeling good and we are on the same side supporting each other.  

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A small thought about marriage – I think it’s quite a good one:

“In marriage,

each partner is to be an encourager rather than a critic,

a forgiver rather than a collector of hurts,

an enabler rather than a reformer”

-H. Norman Wright and Gary J. Oliver-

I wish you all the best, Noora and Juho! You are a great couple, simply great 🙂

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